So I decided that, as a massive fan of the film series, I would drum up some interest and create excitement to prepare for Bond’s newest outing, by watching every single (official) Bond movie. Partaking in this vital ‘research’ may have given me an excuse to re-watch them all again, but doing so was a great experience, even though it took significantly longer than I anticipated. Although I skimmed through most of them as I focused mainly on the Bond Girls and James Bond himself, since I didn’t possibly have time to watch them all from start to finish, it was still quite a daunting task,.
As the beautiful women who appear in each movie to ‘assist’ our debonair spy, known collectively as ‘Bond Girls’, are perhaps almost as famous as Bond himself, I thought it would be funny and interesting to ‘study’ them in more detail. To do this, I decided that I would write their Dating Profiles, as almost all of the interaction they have with Bond is sexually charged, and I’m impressed with the results. Not only do they say a lot about the characters, why they are in the movie and how they aide our hero, they also tell us an awful lot about the time and era in which they graced the silver screen- and how even though our attitudes to women (should) have changed, essentially the role of a woman in a Bond film is to look gorgeous and to be bedded. I also thought it would be quirky to see past their stunning good looks to uncover how much ‘character’ each woman is given, and which Bond Girls people might actually choose to date based on their ‘personalities’.
As well as referring to any woman that Bond is romantically involved with, the term ‘Bond Girl’ is usually specifically applied to the main heroine (the ‘official’ Bond Girl) who assists Bond throughout the course of the movie and (almost always) survives to the end credits so that he can have his wicked way with her. There is often a ‘B’ Bond Girl who turns up, usually in the first half of the movie, as eye candy, a plot device or a romantic rendezvous, and is then quickly dispatched, so that the official Bond Girl can have her moment to shine. There are of course some exceptions to this rule, but generally as the series has progressed this seems to be the standard canon for Bond Girls. The reason I am pointing this out is because my dating profiles are only for the official Bond Girls of each movie, since making dating profiles for every woman who has batted her eyelids at James Bond would take forever, and 22 stunning women is quite enough for any man. Also, these official women are the ones who typically get enough lines and/or character development to justify their existence in the movie, and as you are about to find out, even with the main Bond Girls, making them three dimensional human beings can be incredibly difficult.
So allow me to present to you the wonderful, the beautiful, the amazing Bond Girls and their dating profiles in all their glory!
Honey Ryder Nationality: I’ve travelled around so much I don’t think I have one.
Location: Jamaica
Occupation: I dive for sea shells and then sell them in Miami. I make good money out of it too!
Interested in: Not men. Instead I prefer: marine biology, mythical creatures (especially dragons), sea life, and swimming.
Likes: Travelling, singing, swimming, reading, wearing bikinis.
Dislikes: men, violence, sex.
I dream about: Living under the sea.
About me: I have trust issues due to a traumatic event that happened to me as a child, but once you get to know me you’ll realise that I’m a serious intellectual with a gentle soul who loves anything and everything to do with the sea.
The first thing people usually notice about me is: my body. My occupation requires an awful lot of swimming, so I have a great body.
My favourite thing in the world is: the sea.
The most intimate thing I am willing to admit is:that I may be a nice person deep down, but you don’t want to mess with me. If you cross me, I’ll make it may mission to exact fatal revenge. The man who violated me learnt that the hard way: I put a black widow spider in his bed. It took him a week to die, and I watched him as he did.
You should get in touch with me if: You love the sea, swimming and international travelling.
I am looking for: long distance penpals
I am looking for: long distance penpals
Tatiana RomanovaLocation: Russia, England
Occupation: Corporal of State Security for the Soviet Army
Interested in: Men
Likes: my job, my country, trains, casual sex, kinky sex, being a flirt
Dislikes: guns, rats and women who try to tell me what to do
I dream about: Romance, true love, getting married, settling down and having a family
About me: I am a hard grafting worker bee who has spent my entire live putting my career and country before my own personal needs. Now that I have achieved all of my professional goals and have risen through the ranks of the Soviet Army, I want to find my one true love, get married, settle down and have children. This may make me sound boring, but trust me when I say I am extremely kinky in the bedroom- I don’t even mind if you want to video it. I actually like it when people watch.
The first thing people usually notice about me is:my natural beauty. If you’ve got it, flaunt it.
My favourite thing in the world is: To be romanced by a sexy and seductive lover on a gondola in Venice.
The most intimate thing I am willing to admit is: I will only disclose personal information with the man of my dreams who sweeps me off my feet. Then we will spend the rest of our lives together, and will share everything.
You should get in touch with me if: You believe in true love, destiny and know deep down in your heart that romance isn’t dead.
I am looking for: true love to turn into marriage
I am looking for: true love to turn into marriage
Pussy Galore Nationality: English
Location: England or America
Occupation: The head of ‘Pussy Galore’s Flying Circus’, previously the Personal Pilot of Auric Goldfinger
Interested in: women
Likes: business, aeroplanes, martial arts (especially judo), anything outdoorsy
Dislikes: men
I dream about: retiring on an island in the Bahamas so that I can ‘get back to nature’ with my female companions.
About me: My motto is, and will always be ‘business before pleasure’. I’m not looking for anything serious, mainly because I am an incredibly busy woman. I run my own very successful company for which I train and mentor young women to become the best pilots in the world. I must make one thing absolutely clear: I am definitely not interested in men, no matter how smart or good looking they are. Although, I guess if one very special man hounded me enough to intentionally wear me down and then physically attacked me to prove that he was stronger and more powerful than I was, I suppose I could make an exception. But it will never happen!!
The first thing people usually notice about me is:that I am an incredibly successful woman who works with other very intelligent and resource women. And billionaire psychopaths.
My favourite thing in the world is: beautiful, voluptuous women, like myself. And aeroplanes.
The most intimate thing I am willing to admit is:after my boss was murdered (by being sucked out of an aeroplane mid-flight) I parachuted out of the plane and ended up making love (to a man!) under the parachute. It was all frightfully exciting at the time, but I kind of regret it. The man seemed to have some kind of strange hold over me. He was so charming that he turned this lesbian (temporarily) straight.
You should get in touch with me if: you’re a strong, independent and successful woman who likes a strong, independent and successful woman. Or if you’re another man who thinks he can crack this nut open again. I’m up for the challenge- are you?
I am looking for: short term dating
Nationality: ItalianLocation: the Bahamas
Occupation: none
Interested in: Rich men. Very rich men. If you can’t afford to keep me in the lap of luxury (and I’m talking about yachts, diamonds, designer clothes and Caribbean destinations) then don’t bother approaching me.
Likes: money, jewellery, make-up, designer clothes, snorkelling.
Dislikes: being tortured by ex-lovers, being followed by my jealous boyfriend’s henchmen
I dream about: one day being held by a real man
About me: Some might call me a ‘kept woman’ or a ‘mistress’, but those people are just jealous. I’m beautiful and I like living the luxurious, glamorous life of the rich and famous. There is nothing I love more than being ‘that woman’ who everyone stares at as she enters the room hanging on the arm of an incredibly wealthy international terrorist who wears an eye patch. Sure, he’s not perfect, but he keeps me happy.
The first thing people usually notice about me is:that I’m an incredibly stunning natural beauty with expensive jewellery and amazing fashion sense, of course. And I know that everyone wishes that they could be me.
My favourite thing in the world is: my brother. He’s such a wonderful person. If anyone ever did anything to hurt him, I would make it my personal mission to make them pay… with their life.
The most intimate thing I am willing to admit is: that in my spare time, when I’m not looking fabulous and standing next to my wealthy beau, I swim with turtles to hunt for starfish.
You should get in touch with me if: you’re a millionaire/billionaire who wants a magnificent natural beauty by his side to make him look that much more impressive. I don’t care what you look like, how old you are or you’re occupation, as you’ve got the money to give me the lifestyle of which I’m accustomed.
I am looking for: a long term relationship with a very wealthy man
Kissy SuzukiNationality: Japanese
Location: Japan of course
Occupation: Secret Ninja Agent, working for the Tiger Tanaka
Interested in: not much really
Likes: working, eating seafood and shellfish, swimming, bikinis
Dislikes: waiting around. I’m the kind of woman who gets stuck in- no matter how dangerous the situation.
I dream about: fulfilling the expectations of my employers
About me: I’m a very level headed traditional Japanese woman who always puts business first. If my boss asked me to have an arranged marriage to an English secret agent that I had never met before to thwart the nefarious schemes of an international terrorist, then I would do it. That is how important my job is to me.
The first thing people usually notice about me is:my Westernised appearance. I don’t really look Japanese at all. Maybe that’s why I survive to the end and the other more Oriental looking woman who actually gets proper character development and a storyline, dies.
My favourite thing in the world is: My job, I guess.
The most intimate thing I am willing to admit is: I once got fake married to an English secret agent who had fake ‘Japanese-y’ eyes and a bowl cut so he would look ‘Japanese’. Of course this upset me, but since I love me job, I dealt with it. The situation did, however, get progressively worse when he ended up dragging me into the secret liar of a bald psychotic super villain with a fluffy white cat on his lap. It was incredibly scary, but I kind of enjoyed it. I even had a quick snog in a lifeboat, but no matter what he says, that’s all that happened, even though we were ‘married’.
You should get in touch with me if: You are a traditional Japanese businessman.
I am looking for: a long term relationship
Nationality: French/English
Location: For now, Portugal, but who knows where I’ll end up?
Occupation: Socialite
Interested in: Any man who’s interested.
Likes: Any high risk self-destructive activities such as gambling with no money, bull fighting, rally driving, skiing dangerously and paying off my debts with my body. I’m also very open to one night stands with complete strangers.
Dislikes: Life. I often have suicidal impulses, and regularly act on them. I also hate my father for sending me away to a boarding school in Switzerland after my mother died. He thinks that I need a man to dominate me so that I stop acting out. I also dislike snow storms, avalanches and being held hostage. But, being the resourceful woman that I am, I can always make any situation work in my favour.
I dream about: A future, that’s all I want. I just want to be happy.
About me: Ask anyone who knows me and they’ll tell you I’m a headstrong woman who always gets what she wants and who lives on the edge. As I always say: “People who want to stay alive play it safe”. And I don’t particularly want to stay alive. I live life with no regrets and am open to anything: especially love. But he has to be the right man. I may play hard to get to begin with, but as soon as I realise he’s the one, I’ll do anything for him, even if he doesn’t initially return my love.
The first thing people usually notice about me is:My inner confidence. I don’t care what anyone thinks about me, and that makes me stand out.
My favourite thing in the world is: Being romanced by the love of my life. This includes horse riding, ice skating and (if I’m in the mood) a long romantic stroll with my lover.
The most intimate thing I am willing to admit is: I have father issues, I have an extensive sexual history of casual sex, and I recently tried to drown myself in the sea in Portugal…
You should get in touch with me if: You can accept that I’m not perfect, and have a history. But it is time for me to find a man who can help me put the past where it belongs and move forward with my life.
I am looking for: a knight is shining armour to save me from myself.
Tiffany CaseNationality: American
Location: The Netherlands
Occupation: Diamond smuggler
Interested in: Diamonds obviously. Oh wait, men. I like men.
Likes: Diamonds. Sunbathing. Diamonds. Bikinis. Diamonds. Wigs.
Dislikes: People who don’t like diamonds. Liars. Being kidnapped by an international terrorist in drag. High speed car chases. Carnival freak shows. Violence. Guns.
I dream about: Diamonds.
About me: I’m a brash, opinionated American who says what she thinks and does what she wants to, to get what I want. I try my hardest not to mix business with pleasure, but always end up doing just that. Men are so easy to seduce, and if they give me what I want, why shouldn’t I manipulate them? But I’m not all bad. When the chips are down, I will help my friends out, even if that means shoving tapes into my bikini bottoms, running across an oil rig during a gun fight and falling from a very high ledge into the sea while trying to work a machine gun. It’s not always about diamonds with me, you know.
The first thing people usually notice about me is:My wigs and my bikinis. I always change my hair and I always wear skimpy outfits. I find clothes restrictive!
My favourite thing in the world is: Diamonds and walking around in my underwear.
The most intimate thing I am willing to admit is: I’ve had sex with a secret agent on an aquarium under a fur rug. And I was named ‘Tiffany’ because my mother gave birth to me on the first floor of the jewellery store ‘Tiffany’s’ while looking for a wedding ring. At least, that’s what she told me…
You should get in touch with me if: You like diamonds or need help smuggling them.
I am looking for: casual sex/short term dating.
SolitaireLocation: San Monrique/New York City/ New Orleans
Occupation: High Priestess/ Tarot Reader for a criminal mastermind drug dealer
Interested in: Any man who can rescue me from my evil employer
Likes: spiritualism, voodoo, dressing glamorously, sex, trains and comfortable beds (for obvious reasons)
Dislikes: being sacrificed to voodoo gods (especially Baron Samedi), snakes, sharks
I dream about: Being saved from one man who tells me what to do by another man who tells me what to do and one day becoming a complete woman
About me: I’m a demure, easy going woman who needs to be rescued from an exploitative boss who occasionally physically abuses me. I don’t like men who hurt me, but I do like to be controlled and dominated by men who save me from my evil captors. I have a lot to offer any man who saves me: I’m sexually explorative and will always look gorgeous. I’m not perfect. I’m terrible under pressure: if you push me then I won’t be able to concentrate, and I must always do what the cards tell me to. But on the other hand, I’m not afraid to ask for help, and if you get me out of my hopeless predicament then I am more than willing to do whatever you ask of me.
The first thing people usually notice about me is:how I manage to look stunningly beautiful no matter the situation
My favourite thing in the world is: Surprisingly, for someone who waited an incredibly long time to be bedded: sex. But as the saying goes: ‘once you pop you just can’t stop!’
The most intimate thing I am willing to admit is: When I lost my virginity, I also lost my physic powers. It was a steep price to pay, but to be honest sex is so much better than being able to predict the future.
You should get in touch with me if: you want to save a stunning woman from a ruthless drug lord, and once you do, have her as your devoted sexual partner.
I am looking for: casual sex/short term dating
Mary GoodnightNationality: Swedish English
Location: Hong Kong
Occupation: Secretary for the British Secret Service
Interested in: One very special man. This dating profile is for him, and him alone.
Likes: Looking pretty, being fashionable, being wined and dined, playing hard to get (but not really meaning it), bikinis, being incredibly available for men I like (that includes being a booty call), paying attention to detail, trying my best to save the day (even it means I only make the situation worse).
Dislikes: heights, flying cars, being hit on by men I’m not interested in, midgets trying to kill me or my man.
I dream about: having sex with the man of my dreams (you know who you are) on a junk boat in Phuket, Thailand
About me: Some people might say that my minor infatuation has turned into a whole psycho-stalker situation. But seriously, it isn’t. I might get jealous, but I don’t mind if you cheat, because you’re the only man for me, and I’ll do anything for you. I’m weak, and you know that. I try my best to be professional, but whenever I’m around you I just can’t help becoming a bumbling fool. Sure, I got accidently kidnapped by a man with a third nipple and his midget henchman, and sure I almost killed you because I accidently pressed a switch with my bottom, but it was only because, when I’m around you, I can’t think straight. Do you have any idea how smart and sure of myself and good at my job I used to be?? Look what you’ve done to me!! But I forgive you. Honestly, I do.
The first thing people usually notice about me is: Have you seen my photo? I’m beautiful! I could have any man I want- but I want you...
My favourite thing in the world is: My employer. I’ll do anything to be with him. Anything.
The most intimate thing I am willing to admit is: When I went to your hotel room to be your booty call because you asked me to, but we were interrupted by another woman. Instead of turning her away, you shoved me into a wardrobe where I had to wait for two hours while you had sex with this other woman. Even though I was annoyed, once you were finished I was still willing to be with you… That’s how much you mean to me…
You should get in touch with me if: you’ve finally realised that I’m more to you than just a secretary who you can sleep with when you feel like it. Actually, even if you don’t realise that, I’m willing to brush all of these little ‘issues’ under the carpet so that we can finally be together, forever.
I am looking for: him. And he knows who he is.
Major Anya Amasova (aka Agent Triple X)
Location: International
Occupation: The best Secret Agent in the Russian Army
Interested in: Men
Likes: Mixed martial arts, witty puns, boats, guns, looking and feeling glamorous, trains, to disguise myself as a man (if I have to), using knockout gas to eliminate the competition
Dislikes: driving (particularly through a desert), being patronised by men who belittle my intelligence just because I am a woman, men hiding I my wardrobe, people trying to kill me, my boyfriends being murdered by enemy agents, being stuck in an crazy billionaire industrial tycoon’s underground palace while it is flooding.
I dream about: My job. I love travelling and I love meeting new people.
About me: I’m a hardy survivor who takes her job incredibly seriously. While on a survival course in Siberia, I learnt that it is always imperative to keep a positive mental attitude, and that is how I view life. That is why, even though my ex-boyfriend was murdered by the man I then got together with, I still believe in love. I’m smart, have a great salary, and look amazing in an evening gown, but I also get jealous and don’t suffer fools gladly, so if you do anything to annoy me, prepare for brutal revenge in the form of me being cold and distant, until I quickly forgive you.
The first thing people usually notice about me is:My eyes.
My favourite thing in the world is: Being treated as an equal. Don’t give me any special favours just because I’m a woman. I’m as good as any man at anything, and I can prove it.
The most intimate thing I am willing to admit is: I once had sex in a lavishly decorated escape pod with the secret agent who murdered the love of my life. In all fairness to him, he had just saved my life, and he was incredibly charming.
You should get in touch with me if: You are looking for a beautiful but powerful woman with whom you can share your life.
I am looking for: long term dating/marriage
Doctor Holly Goodhead
Nationality: American
Location: California
Occupation: Astronaut/ CIA Agent
Interested in: When they’re not sexist imbeciles, men.
Likes: space, spaceships, orbiting the Earth in a space ship, science and technology, gadgets, giving seminars at the European Space Commission, martial arts and fighting, gun fights, playing hard to get, dressing fashionably.
Dislikes: men who are surprised that I’m an astronaut just because I’m a woman, men who degrade me for being a smart successful woman, being interrupted when explaining complex scientific theories, being spied on, men who break into my hotel room, being trapped on a cable car with someone trying to murder me
I dream about: a man who not only respects me for who I am, but who saves my life
About me: I’m a cool, calculated and abrupt woman who gets to the point quickly and takes crap from no one. I’m a fighter: I’ve had to fight my entire life against sexism and I have had to fight my hardest to be treated equally by my male peers. Because I am one of the only women at my level in both of my respective careers, I use my womanly whiles to get what I want out of men- and it works. Men are easy to please, and all I have to do is flutter my eyelashes and they’ll do anything for me. But just because I’m a flirt, doesn’t mean I’m easy: in fact the opposite is true (unless you save my life, then I’m yours). Men are so stupid on so many levels- this is why I’ll never trust a man- but I do like the other ‘services’ they provide, so they aren’t all that bad.
The first thing people usually notice about me is: the fact that I’m a woman and a doctor. Sexist pigs.
My favourite thing in the world is: orbiting the Earth in a space ship
The most intimate thing I am willing to admit is: I absolutely love having sex in zero gravity. It’s the most amazing experience in the world, trust me.
You should get in touch with me if: You want a woman so amazing that she is literally out of this world!
I am looking for: casual sex/short term dating/ activity partners
Melina Havelock
Location: Corfu, Greece
Occupation: I work on my father’s boat
Interested in: Men
Likes: boats- especially my boat the Triana, light aircraft, miniature submarines, scuba diving (especially in underwater Ancient Greek ruins), my parents, crossbows, revenge, car chases, driving through the country, Greece, figs, parrots, deciphering shorthand, being part of a full scale tactical mountain assault
Dislikes: my parents being murdered in front of me, motorbikes- especially when the people driving them are trying to run me over, men telling me what to do (until I let them), being attacked underwater, my oxygen running out while scuba diving, being tied up and thrown off the back of a boat to be dragged along coral reefs and eaten by sharks, and, unsurprisingly, sharks
I dream about: continuing to explore the world above and below while travelling on my boat, the Triana
About me: Greek women always avenge their loved ones. And that perfectly sums me up. After my parents were murdered I made sure that everyone involved paid with their lives. But now that I’ve put that behind me, I continue to travel the Mediterranean on my boat, the Triana, which always has been and always will be my real home. I’ve spent my whole life aboard the Trianaas I travelled with my parents around the Greek islands, Turkey and North Africa. And now that they are dead, I’m looking for someone very special to share my life with.
The first thing people usually notice about me is:My eyes
My favourite thing in the world is: My boat, the sea, my parents and my parrot Max
The most intimate thing I am willing to admit is:I often go for naked moonlit swims in the sea with the man I’m intimate with. But don’t think I will do this with just anyone: it will only happen with a very special man, because my body is for their eyes only.
You should get in touch with me if: you want to travel the world with me, my boat and my parrot
I am looking for: long term dating, leading to marriage.
OctopussyNationality: I am a woman of the world
Location: India
Occupation: Smuggler, runs the Octopus Cult and so own various shipping lines, hotels, carnivals and circuses across the world.
Interested in: sometimes women sometimes men… depends on how I’m feeling
Likes: Octopuses (obviously!), jewellery (particularly Faberge Eggs), the circus, being surrounded by female bodyguards, water beds, guns, massages, trains, boats, using my team of highly trained female bodyguards to storm a building in order to exact revenge on my business partner who double crossed me, in relationships: saying no but meaning yes
Dislikes: being double crossed, being used as bait, being beaten into submission, heights
I dream about: being even richer and more successful than I already am
About me: My father loved octopuses more than anything in the whole world, and so gave me my name: Octopussy. Like me, he was involved in organised crime, but unlike me, he was caught and committed suicide to avoid jail time and public humiliation. Because of this, I am much more cautious than him, and find it hard to trust people. This is why I surround myself with beautiful female bodyguards who I have collected from all over the world. I train these women to give them a purpose, a way of life, a business, and most importantly, a secure sisterhood. They also protect me from anyone who might want to do me harm. My mantra is: know your enemy. But saying that, once I have decided to trust you, I’ll do whatever you tell me to.
The first thing people usually notice about me is:my name.
My favourite thing in the world is: my harem of powerful women who do whatever I command
The most intimate thing I am willing to admit is:My name is Octopussy. I’ll let you use your imagination for this one.
You should get in touch with me if: I have always believed that there are vast rewards for people willing to take risks. So if you want to live on a floating island full of gorgeous women for the rest of your life, all you need to do is contact me. Trust me, it’s a risk worth taking.
I am looking for: short term dating/long term dating
Stacey Sutton
Location: San Francisco
Occupation: California State Geologist
Interested in: Men
Likes: fault lines, seismic activity and all aspects of earthquakes and geology, looking fabulous and doing everything in stiletto heels, dressing up, helicopter rides, playing hard to get (until you save my life- then I’m yours!), shotguns (because they make me look even hotter than I already am!), my pet cat, screaming (hysterically), being saved by a strong and dependable man,
Dislikes: being hit on by strange men, horses, people breaking into my home, people threatening to hurt me, bullies, cooking, violence and murder, being stuck in an elevator while it is on fire, driving fire engines through city centres whilst being pursued by the police, being trapped in a mineshaft as it is flooding, being attacked by incredibly strong androgynous women, being kidnapped, blimps, heights.
I dream about: Finally owning my father’s company, Sutton Oil, once again.
About me: I’m a fighter. Not physically, although if my life or someone else’s life was in danger, I would fight with everything I’ve got (including breaking the vase containing my grandfather’s ashes over someone’s head!), even though I’ll probably be quickly taken down. No, I’m a fighter for justice. Max Zorin stole my father’s company, Sutton Oil, and I am determined to do everything in my power to get it back. I’ve already sold everything I own, except for my house (but everything inside of it is gone), because this is a matter of principal- and I’ll never give up. But don’t worry- I don’t always moan about my personal misfortunes. I also enjoy discussing the natural world and the latest fashion trends. And here’s something you might also like to know: I always look good for my man, and I scream very loudly.
The first thing people usually notice about me is:Look at my photo. Even if you aren’t interested in worthy causes or geology, you’ll be interested in my stunning natural beauty.
My favourite thing in the world is: fighting for a just cause
The most intimate thing I am willing to admit is: I absolutely adore making love to men in a steamy hot shower. It’s even sexier if my cat is watching.
You should get in touch with me if: You are willing to help a resourceful, intelligent beauty continue her fight for justice.
I am looking for: short term dating/long term dating
Kara MilovyNationality: Slovakian
Location: Bratislava
Occupation: Concert Cellist
Interested in: Men (preferably much older than myself)
Likes: My cello- a Stradivarius called the Lady Rose, riding on top of my cello case down snow swept mountainsides, classical music and the opera, horse and cart rides through city centres, Vienna, expensive clothes, fun fairs and Ferris wheels, being romanced, falling in love in an incredibly short space of time, horse riding through the desert, dressing up, admitting when I’m wrong, assisting my man, drugging people and helping freedom fighters.
Dislikes: The KGB, my house being broken into and ransacked, car chases, people trying to kill me, liars and flying aeroplanes.
I dream about: Falling head over heels in love with a man and doing anything- even risking my own life- for him.
About me: Some people might say that I exhibit the behaviour of an insecure, clingy woman. My psychiatrist does. But that is only because I’m just about to embark on my world tour, and would be willing to cancel it if I began a relationship with a man- any man. My music career is incredibly important to me, but finding a man will always come first, because I believe that a woman isn’t a woman unless she has a man to love and protect. And trust me when I say I’ll do anything to keep my lover- I’ll drive through a gunfight on an airstrip in the middle of Afghanistan to board the aeroplane that my boyfriend is piloting so that I don’t end up being apart from him. Sure, I risked both of our lives, but it turned out all right in the end- because I got to go to dinner with him that evening. This sort of behaviour might make people think I’m mad, but every woman needs a man to hold onto for as long as possible- because every man needs a woman to command and every woman needs a man to obey.
The first thing people usually notice about me is:my eyebrows
My favourite thing in the world is: whichever man I’m currently in a relationship with
The most intimate thing I am willing to admit is:An ex-boyfriend, who was considerably older than me, managed to convince me to pretend to assassinate him with a sniper rifle so that he could be safely smuggled out of the country. What he didn’t tell me was that he had hired someone else to murder me while I was pretending to shoot him. Surprisingly, I got over this terrible act of betrayal very quickly, in two days in fact, as I fell head over heels in love with an entirely different man and ended up having sex with him on a giant Ferris wheel. It was all very romantic.
You should get in touch with me if: You are looking for a woman who will do anything for you, as long as, in return, you keep me happy by taking me out on romantic weekend city breaks.
I am looking for: long term dating, leading to marriage
Nationality: American
Location: The Florida Keys, various destinations around South America
Occupation: Pilot/CIA Informer
Interested in: Men, as long as they are completely emotionally distant
Likes: Aeroplanes and flying aeroplanes, guns (especially my shotgun- which I like to put between men’s legs) and gun fights, keeping a gun between my legs, martial arts and bar fighting, undercover work (particularly if it involves crashing vehicles and destroying buildings), driving golf carts, helping people out, looking glamorous, playing hard to get afterputting out, stripping down to my underwear for no reason, swimming, seducing men to get what I want.
Dislikes: Being shot in the back, being belittled by men, being bossed about and bullied, being manhandled by aggressive men, being stood up, men who cheat (although I will tolerate it)
I dream about: Fighting side by side with a gun totting secret agent who entangles me in incredibly dangerous but exciting situations. And then when it is all over and done, we end up making out in a swimming pool.
About me: A former army pilot, I am a tough cookie who can hold her own in just about any situation against just about anyone. Because I’m a fiercely strong woman who likes to be called Ms not Miss, men are threatened and intimidated by me, and so try to put me down and belittle me. Why can’t women have equal rights with men? We can do all the same things they can- but look much better while doing them. And this is why women are superior to men. I make the most out of any situation I’m in, and I take my work very seriously- I always rush right in, never waiting to be asked to do something because I’ll just do it. I don’t take no for an answer, because I’m an intelligent, resourceful and beautiful woman who is always prepared for whatever challenges I may face. In a relationship, however, I suddenly become a completely different person. I’m jealous and subservient and am willing to accept my lover cheating on me. And even though I will do everything he asks of me, and will go above and beyond what he expects, I will still allow him to be cold and distant, and never let me in. It’s strange how I fight for equality one minute, and then moments later I shut up and do as I’m told. Maybe I have daddy issues or something.
The first thing people usually notice about me is:My eyes.
My favourite thing in the world is: Helping other people, and being protective of them.
The most intimate thing I am willing to admit is: I once had sex in a motorboat while I was stranded at sea. I wasn’t particularly attracted to the man I did it with, but since I had just saved his life, and we had nothing else to do, I thought ‘Why the hell not?’
You should get in touch with me if: You want to fly around South America helping me assist government agencies fight against criminals and drug Barons
I am looking for: long term dating
Natalya Fyodorovna SimonovaNationality: Russian
Location: Severnaya, Russia
Occupation: Level Two Systems Programmer
Interested in: Men
Likes: computers, solving riddles, coffee, hiding in cupboards to avoid being killed, computer hacking, telling people what to do, being called ‘Sir’, bikinis, cold men who save my life, beating up people who betrayed me and left me for dead.
Dislikes: Electromagnetic pulses, Boris, computer hackers, witnessing her colleagues being brutally murdered, people trying to kill me, buildings collapsing around me, being the only survivor of a workplace massacre, being lied to, being trapped in a helicopter that is about to explode, submachine guns, being kidnapped, being forced against my will to kiss people, train crashes, guns, killing and death, cold men, aeroplane crashes (because my aeroplane has been shot down), sliding down satellite dishes.
I dream about: One day visiting the Caribbean
About me: Even though I am generally fine thank you very much, I’m looking for something other than my vocation to fill my days. I am an intelligent, knowledgeable woman who actually enjoys spending her time in a military facility in Artic conditions so that I can programme computer systems. But now I want to do something a bit more exciting- and I think that a man who lives on the edge can provide this for me. Most people who meet me seem to think that I’m a bit dumb, but I know a lot more than people think I do, and I often prove this in life or death situations. Seriously, I will hold people at gun point to save those I love, and I have done so in the past. I have also single handed foiled the nefarious plans of an international terrorist, with the help of a secret agent of course, but I did all the leg work. He was just there to protect me while I got on with it. I’d quite like to me another man like that.
The first thing people usually notice about me is:My smile
My favourite thing in the world is: Using my computer know-how to foil an evil terrorist’s master plan.
The most intimate thing I am willing to admit is:I like sex on the beach (and I’m not talking about the cocktail).
You should get in touch with me if: You will make my dull life incredibly exciting by allowing me to help you take down criminal masterminds.
I am looking for: long term dating
Nationality: Chinese
Location: China
Occupation: Secret Agent for the Chinese People’s External Security Force
Interested in: Men
Likes: Kung Fu, fighting, gadgets, technology, scuba diving, walking/falling down the sides of buildings, motorbikes (and driving them while handcuffed), working alone (most of the time), machine guns and my secret lairs filled with specialist equipment and weapons,.
Dislikes: Corrupt Western powers, being trapped in a sunken boat that is falling off a ledge into an underwater ravine, being handcuffed to another secret agent, being chased by helicopters, being held hostage.
I dream about: The day when there is finally world peace.
About me: The first thing you need to know about me is that I take the initiative. The second is that I may be a bit clumsy in my approach- but I always get the job done. The third is that I am fearless- I laugh in the face of danger. Fourth, I’m resourceful. Fifth is that I’m incredibly agile and physically capable (thought you might want to know that- but don’t get any ideas). The sixth fact is that I’m quick thinking and clever. The seventh is that I believe in peace, and not revenge, but that won’t stop me from attacking at will. Eighth is that I’m a good listener- I get enemies to tell me their schemes in elaborate detail to stall them, allowing me to be rescued. Ninth is that I’m a very good shot. And the tenth and final thing you need to know about me is that I may be beautiful- but I’m deadly.
The first thing people usually notice about me is: My foot (because I’m kicking it into your face)
My favourite thing in the world is: Being a secret agent for my country and Kung Fu
The most intimate thing I am willing to admit is:After stopping an insane media tycoon from causing World War 3, I did once have sex with a fellow secret agent on a piece of floating debris from a destroyed vessel.
You should get in touch with me if: You want to practice Kung Fu with me- knowing that you will lose.
I am looking for: short term dating, activity partners
Doctor Christmas JonesNationality: American
Location: Kazakhstan
Occupation: IDA Nuclear Physicist.
Interested in: Men who accept me for who I am and/or save my life.
Likes: Nuclear Physics, electronics, engines, defusing nuclear bombs, skimpy outfits, helping secret agents, being rescued by secret agents, driving vehicles down oil pipelines at high speed, avoiding questions and people, being secretive and sarcastic, occasionally being glamorous, nuclear submarines.
Dislikes: Jokes about my name, liars, being shot at, people tampering with nuclear bombs, people not allowing me to stop bombs from detonating, people trying to kill me, explosions, being held hostage, being on submarines that are flooding, almost drowning.
I dream about: Finally being able to put my past behind me.
About me: I take my job very seriously- it’s my life, and there’s not much else I really care about. If you don’t know what you’re doing when you’re around nuclear material, it will be me you need protection from, not the weapons we’re working with. I don’t like slip ups, as somebody will have my ass, and that is why I am distrustful of people who are not as well read as I am in nuclear physics. I may have a fuller figure, but that doesn’t mean I’m some dumb Valley Girl- I know exactly what I’m talking about and I know everything there is to know about engines, machines and bombs. I am fluent in Russian but don’t enjoy using it as much as English because sarcasm doesn’t sound as good. I don’t like talking about myself and I don’t like people asking me probing questions- there’s a reason I left America to work in Kazakhstan, and that’s my business, not yours.
The first thing people usually notice about me is: My pout.
My favourite thing in the world is: Nuclear physics, obviously. And people having Christmas in exotic locations (and I’m not talking about the holiday).
The most intimate thing I am willing to admit is: That if I like you, Christmas always comes more than once a year.
You should get in touch with me if: You are elusive and mysterious just like me and don’t care about my mysterious past. You must also be willing to talk only about nuclear physics and be excellent in bed. And I’ll be the judge of that, not you.
I am looking for: casual sex, short term dating
Nationality: American
Location: Havana, Cuba
Occupation: NSA Agent
Interested in: Men
Likes: Bikinis, beaches, swimming, diving from incredible heights, one night stands, gadgets, bombs, guns, knife throwing, acrobatics, sword fighting, sports cars, motorboats, wearing skimpy clothing (especially tight leather cat suits), abseiling, Yo Momma jokes, saving fellow secret agents, being rescued by fellow secret agents, jumping out of aeroplanes on switchblades, flying aeroplanes, stealth missions, diamonds.
Dislikes: Being tied down (both literally and figuratively), innocent people being hurt, being electrocuted, laser beams, being taken prisoner, being threatened, free falling from a disintegrating aeroplane in a helicopter that won’t start,
I dream about: Myself. Yes, that’s how damn hot I am.
About me: You might be wondering why people call me Jinx. Well that’s because I was born on Friday the 13th and that is supposed to be unlucky. But in reality, I’m probably one of the luckiest women in the world. Not only am I smart, beautiful and badass, I also have a fantastic body and a wonderfully well paid and very exciting job. Saying that though, I am unlucky in love: my relationships just don’t seem to last. It might be because I threaten men, I don’t know, but I don’t often wear much clothes so you’d think I would get hit on more often, wouldn’t you? It might have something to do with the fact that I can sometimes be a bit ‘full on’ when it comes to my job- I have no problem lopping off body parts to complete a mission, and I guess that makes some guys queasy. But those aren’t the type of guys I’m interested in anyway. I need a strong man who takes charge and can deal with a similarly strong woman who thinks of herself as his equal.
The first thing people usually notice about me is:My bikini body.
My favourite thing in the world is: Saving the world and looking good while doing it.
The most intimate thing I am willing to admit is:I’m very kinky in the bedroom. Two things that really get me going are eating fruit while making love and love making while being covered head to toe in diamonds.
You should get in touch with me if: I’m just looking for someone to have a good time with, so you don’t have to be Mr Right, just Mr Right Now.
I am looking for: casual sex, short term dating, activity partners.
Vesper LyndNationality: French English
Location: Based in London, England, but you’ll probably find me in Montenegro or Venice
Occupation: International Liaison Officer (Accountant for the Treasury)
Interested in: Men who are emotionally troubled
Likes: Betraying people I care about, cold hearted bastards, undercover work, sitting the shower with my clothes on to reflect on the events of the day, defibrillating people, real men, committing suicide
Dislikes: Being told what to do- especially by men, being attacked, people trying to kill me, watching people die, taking advice from people, being kidnapped and then placed on a road to be run over, being tortured, being trapped in an elevator shaft in a collapsing building.
I dream about: Finally being able to fully love and trust someone.
About me: I’m a complicated woman, you must know that, and I’m too smart for my own good. My sarcastic, aggressive and hostile demeanour is really just a front for… well actually, for nothing. You see, I’m arrogant, attractive and intelligent, and because of this I entice men in and then make them trust and love me so that I can manipulate them and use them for my own nefarious purposes. I size men up the moment we meet, and I do this so that I can assess just how useful to me they will be. I’ll betray both my lover and the people I work for so that I can steal millions of pounds and hand it over… in exchange for the life of the man I love. You see: deep down I do have a heart after all. I feel that it’s time for me to find a new love, someone who not only trusts me but someone who I can trust in return. Sometimes you can forget the past, and you must be willing to overlook mine to be romantically involved. As I said before, I’m a very complicated woman.
The first thing people usually notice about me is: How confident I am.
My favourite thing in the world is: Being taken seriously. That and making emotionally troubled men fall in love with me so that I can betray them and then destroy their lives.
The most intimate thing I am willing to admit is:If I like you, you can love me anywhere.
You should get in touch with me if: You are willing to take a risk by allowing me into your heart, so that, one day, I might let you into my own.
I am looking for: A long term relationship.
Camille Montes
Location: La Paz, Bolivia
Occupation: None
Interested in: Men, as long as they provide me with information about the man who butchered my family.
Likes: Revenge, using men to get what I want, telling people what to do, guns, sabotaging people who betray me.
Dislikes: Fire, people trying to kill me, having flashbacks or reminders of the traumatic experiences I suffered as a child, people who prevent me from exacting revenge, motorboat chases involving men with machine guns, watching people die, dog fights in aeroplanes, aeroplane crashes, being thrown out of an aeroplane without a parachute on, walking through deserts.
I dream about: Setting myself, and other emotionally damaged people, free.
About me: My father was a cruel man… but he was my father. It didn’t matter that he worked for a military junta, there was no excuse for General Medrano to kill him, rape my mother and sisters and then strangle them while I watched, finally setting the house on fire to leave me to burn alive. But I escaped, and now I will do everything in my power to kill the General. If you want to help me do so, then that is fine, but if you touch me I’ll break your wrist. And I’m not above biting, kicking, scratching and grabbing genitals to deliver vengeance.
The first thing people usually notice about me is:My eyes.
My favourite thing in the world is: Retribution.
The most intimate thing I am willing to admit is: I won’t go to bed with you unless you give me what I want in return. You can’t put a price on integrity.
You should get in touch with me if: You want to assist me in my quest and/or have any information pertaining to the whereabouts of General Medrano. And if you lie to me, you’ll regret it.
I am looking for: Assistance. Unless you know something, and then we’ll have casual sex.
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